My wife Edi and I have both experienced cancer, but we don't think of ourselves as cancer survivors. “Surviving” is a limited concept. I believe that focusing on “survival” can hang a patient up and postpone recovery. If not that, it can significantly make their lives more difficult.

After their lives are exploded by a diagnosis of cancer or another life threatening disease, many people experience an equal but opposite force, an implosion that can crush the vital spirit within them. All attention is focused on the patients by well-meaning family, friends, caregivers, even by themselves. Not knowing what to say, people often say "Hang in there.” Unfortunately, that implies there is nothing left to do but grab for the rope above the Grim Reaper's noose and try to lift oneself up, while those around them try in vain to shoot the rope with an air gun. The patient, who can't see beyond his/her own pain, thinks they are shooting at him/her.

If patients are in that mode, they often become exceedingly demanding, treating those around them badly - caregivers, family, and friends alike. They alienate the people whose support they most need.

I know a former cancer patient who always says, “I'm a very selfish person. I simply want to be happy. And the best way to do that is to do everything I can to make the people around me happy. So that's what I do, whether it's a family member or someone I only meet once, such as a grocery store cashier.” That's the attitude that keeps a patient from hanging and enables her or him to dance inwardly, if not with her/his feet.

I'm looking for incidents where patients have displayed that attitude and done good things for others, especially for caregivers. If you know of such cases, please e-mail or call me. I don't need polished written stories; I just need a name, a contact, and maybe a brief summary of what took place. I will then interview the people involved and write the story. Before publication, I will show those people their stories, so they can correct any errors and delete whatever makes them uncomfortable.

I respect confidentiality, so if there is a potential problem there, please contact the patients to get their permission before you talk with me.

Please e-mail your suggestions to joezentis@verizon.net

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